A.Visionary

New Rules No. 2

New Rule: Michael Brown must un-resign so he can be publicly fired we are not letting you off that easy Brownie. You can't just slink off midway through your service. This is FEMA not the Texas Air National Guard.
New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. “You surround yourself with good friends” is not a prediction its a compliment. Quit kissing my ass, cookie if I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, twice-cooked kitty-catI want a real fortune like, “That meal you just ate is going to give you cancer.”
New Rule: There aren't “101 Sex Tricks.” In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob.Do it 101 times.
New Rule: A terrorist threat should not end with the words “Seriously, dude.” A terrorist video has surfaced wherein an Al Qaeda operative from Orange County threatened the U.S. Hey, face it, man, you're not a jihadist. You're Napoleon Dynamite with this mother's dishtowel on his head.Turn off the camcorder, go back to your parents' basement and download porn, you loser.
New Rule: Stop telling me celebrities are too thin, when really the rest of America is too fat. I think I know where Nicole Richie's boobs went. This guy's got ‘em.

And finally, New Rule: For Christ's sake, no more devil movies. “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” it surprised a lot of people, mostly because Owen Wilson wasn't in it but exorcism or as the Catholics call it, “elective surgery" is a popular theme nowadays because it reinforces the comforting notion that evil resides outside of us.

posted by Bergen @ 12:28 PM